After 5 1/2 years with my over sea's boyfriend I decided it was time to end it. Slowly I realized that I could not picture a future with him. We were not happy. Its kind of hard to make someone as happy as they can be with the Atlantic Ocean in between you. I was confused about the whole thing. I didn't want to hurt him.
I feel crushed even though I have ended it. After that long I have nothing to show for it. All I have are pictures and memories. I don't have an engagement ring, a marriage or any children. Not that I am saying that it didn't mean anything because it did. I will always care about him and want what is best for him. I knew that I couldn't make him happy anymore. My heart was not in it.
One of my dear friends said to me several months ago that I was "mostly single" and I couldn't think of a better way to describe of it. When I needed to be held the most he couldn't be there for me how I needed him to be. When I was dealing with the molestation, my Dad dying, a major car accident, the death of my Grandmother. That isn't anyone's fault of course. But I suppose we were fools to think it would work.
My plan was to move to England in the New Year. Pack up all my clothes and anything else I could put in to my suitcase. Put the rest of my possessions into storage. I know now that would have been a huge mistake.
I need to follow my heart and my heart was not screaming his name anymore. Its funny how you think life will work out. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we could make each other happy forever. I honestly don't think he is happy with himself and that is very difficult to try and make someone else happy in a relationship.
I started a new job at a local factory. I made new friends. I connected in a way with one of these new friends that I thought was not possible. I felt like I found someone who gets me. And after 5 1/2 years I don't think he got me at all. But I suppose its hard to. The longest we were ever together for was 6 months. Mostly it was 5 weeks at a time and the last time in February it was only 2 weeks. It was slowly killing me being away from him. It was killing the me inside that I had tried my whole life to find.
I thought that maybe I would regret the decisions I have made. But the scary thing is I haven't looked back once. I know that I am growing up and becoming more mature everyday. I have found the person I am and I really like her. Of course no one is perfect but I have decided I won't pretend to be someone who I'm not. Not everyone can like you anyways. So if you like me you like me if not that's okay too.
The moment I knew it was over for sure was when my very good friend picked me up for coffee. I hadn't seen him since before leaving for Toronto. I was walking the Toronto streets and I saw a couple kissing. And I thought my myself that could be us! Obviously not a normal thought of someone being in a "loving relationship". He sent me text everyday I was gone and told me he missed me and wanted to take me out for coffee as soon as I got home on Tuesday night.
I wrote my Funeral Director's licensing exam the two days I was away and got back on the train bound for Brockville on Tuesday night. I was so excited to see him it really surprised me I was only gone a couple of days and I couldn't stop thinking about him. He picked me up and we went for coffee. It was 9:30pm when he picked me up and he didn't drop me off til 5:30am. It was one of the most magical and special nights of my life.
I knew what I had to do. I had to break a man's heart that I had loved for so long. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I knew he would be hurting so bad and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I knew it had to be done. At around 8:00am I got his phone call like I did for 5 1/2 years. I told him it was over immediately. He was hurt he cried. He was angry. He blamed me for taking away his happiness. But I could not and would not lie to him.
He asked me if there was someone else and I told him no at first because I knew it would hurt him more. I did tell him before the conversation was over. Although I don't know if he actually knew why we broke up. It was over before I had found someone else. I can't pin-point the exact moment. Maybe there wasn't a moment at all. It was a series of moments strung together. I felt bad because it was right before the holidays. But I don't know a good time to break up with someone. I don't think there is a right time.
I have dreams and goals that I want to follow here in Canada. I knew that but didn't want to admit it to him. I have my whole life ahead of me I am only 23 years old. I couldn't sacrifice my happiness of his any longer.
