I have had my current apartment for a year now. It has been a struggle to say the least to be on my own without roommates. In January I lost my higher paying job. It was a shock to say the least. I thought I could survive on my other job. After bills piling up I realized quickly I cannot.
Presently I'm a mess. I hold in my tears daily. I'm still hopeful that things will turn around. I'm hoping sooner than later. I don't want pity. I just want options. My best option right now is giving up the apartment. My family and friends both IRL and internet have kept my afloat. They fill me with hope everyday and keep my positive.
I failed my funeral directors license for the last time in December. I only had until February 1st to apply to University. I had to act quickly. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with my life as a career. For the past 7 years the answer was a Funeral Director. But I no longer had that option unless I wanted to repeat the two years course over again. In my head this wasn't an option.
What the future holds I have no idea. My plan is Carleton University for Social Work (Bachelor and then Masters). The problem is my outstanding student loans and that O.S.A.P will not be helping me in this venture. My hope is to accumulate enough scholarships to pay my way. Or hope for a miracle. Whichever comes first I'm cool with.
Until next time.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Veneful hate song
Our love burned so hot
So fast
Then it went out
Like a match
I loved you too much
You didn't love me enough
You're wife's name was Teetaw
And she played you like a game
She never gave you head
Only when you got back together again
If was April when you left me
I wasn't over you till summer
Ah fuck man what a bummer
So fast
Then it went out
Like a match
I loved you too much
You didn't love me enough
You're wife's name was Teetaw
And she played you like a game
She never gave you head
Only when you got back together again
If was April when you left me
I wasn't over you till summer
Ah fuck man what a bummer
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wasted Time
Why did you waste my time?
You never wanted to save a dime
For our future
Wasted time
You told me you loved me
Empty promises
Words that hold no truth
Wasted time
I want to rip up all of our pictures
"Us" was just a lie
Why did you ever bother?
Wasted time
I should have left you long before
I feel cheated
I missed out because of you
Wasted time
Now you are free
And so am I
Get on with your life
And waste some other girls time
Wasted time
Wasted time
Wasted time
Wasted time
You never wanted to save a dime
For our future
Wasted time
You told me you loved me
Empty promises
Words that hold no truth
Wasted time
I want to rip up all of our pictures
"Us" was just a lie
Why did you ever bother?
Wasted time
I should have left you long before
I feel cheated
I missed out because of you
Wasted time
Now you are free
And so am I
Get on with your life
And waste some other girls time
Wasted time
Wasted time
Wasted time
Wasted time
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
The death of a 5 1/2 year relationship
After 5 1/2 years with my over sea's boyfriend I decided it was time to end it. Slowly I realized that I could not picture a future with him. We were not happy. Its kind of hard to make someone as happy as they can be with the Atlantic Ocean in between you. I was confused about the whole thing. I didn't want to hurt him.
I feel crushed even though I have ended it. After that long I have nothing to show for it. All I have are pictures and memories. I don't have an engagement ring, a marriage or any children. Not that I am saying that it didn't mean anything because it did. I will always care about him and want what is best for him. I knew that I couldn't make him happy anymore. My heart was not in it.
One of my dear friends said to me several months ago that I was "mostly single" and I couldn't think of a better way to describe of it. When I needed to be held the most he couldn't be there for me how I needed him to be. When I was dealing with the molestation, my Dad dying, a major car accident, the death of my Grandmother. That isn't anyone's fault of course. But I suppose we were fools to think it would work.
My plan was to move to England in the New Year. Pack up all my clothes and anything else I could put in to my suitcase. Put the rest of my possessions into storage. I know now that would have been a huge mistake.
I need to follow my heart and my heart was not screaming his name anymore. Its funny how you think life will work out. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we could make each other happy forever. I honestly don't think he is happy with himself and that is very difficult to try and make someone else happy in a relationship.
I started a new job at a local factory. I made new friends. I connected in a way with one of these new friends that I thought was not possible. I felt like I found someone who gets me. And after 5 1/2 years I don't think he got me at all. But I suppose its hard to. The longest we were ever together for was 6 months. Mostly it was 5 weeks at a time and the last time in February it was only 2 weeks. It was slowly killing me being away from him. It was killing the me inside that I had tried my whole life to find.
I thought that maybe I would regret the decisions I have made. But the scary thing is I haven't looked back once. I know that I am growing up and becoming more mature everyday. I have found the person I am and I really like her. Of course no one is perfect but I have decided I won't pretend to be someone who I'm not. Not everyone can like you anyways. So if you like me you like me if not that's okay too.
The moment I knew it was over for sure was when my very good friend picked me up for coffee. I hadn't seen him since before leaving for Toronto. I was walking the Toronto streets and I saw a couple kissing. And I thought my myself that could be us! Obviously not a normal thought of someone being in a "loving relationship". He sent me text everyday I was gone and told me he missed me and wanted to take me out for coffee as soon as I got home on Tuesday night.
I wrote my Funeral Director's licensing exam the two days I was away and got back on the train bound for Brockville on Tuesday night. I was so excited to see him it really surprised me I was only gone a couple of days and I couldn't stop thinking about him. He picked me up and we went for coffee. It was 9:30pm when he picked me up and he didn't drop me off til 5:30am. It was one of the most magical and special nights of my life.
I knew what I had to do. I had to break a man's heart that I had loved for so long. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I knew he would be hurting so bad and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I knew it had to be done. At around 8:00am I got his phone call like I did for 5 1/2 years. I told him it was over immediately. He was hurt he cried. He was angry. He blamed me for taking away his happiness. But I could not and would not lie to him.
He asked me if there was someone else and I told him no at first because I knew it would hurt him more. I did tell him before the conversation was over. Although I don't know if he actually knew why we broke up. It was over before I had found someone else. I can't pin-point the exact moment. Maybe there wasn't a moment at all. It was a series of moments strung together. I felt bad because it was right before the holidays. But I don't know a good time to break up with someone. I don't think there is a right time.
I have dreams and goals that I want to follow here in Canada. I knew that but didn't want to admit it to him. I have my whole life ahead of me I am only 23 years old. I couldn't sacrifice my happiness of his any longer.
I feel crushed even though I have ended it. After that long I have nothing to show for it. All I have are pictures and memories. I don't have an engagement ring, a marriage or any children. Not that I am saying that it didn't mean anything because it did. I will always care about him and want what is best for him. I knew that I couldn't make him happy anymore. My heart was not in it.
One of my dear friends said to me several months ago that I was "mostly single" and I couldn't think of a better way to describe of it. When I needed to be held the most he couldn't be there for me how I needed him to be. When I was dealing with the molestation, my Dad dying, a major car accident, the death of my Grandmother. That isn't anyone's fault of course. But I suppose we were fools to think it would work.
My plan was to move to England in the New Year. Pack up all my clothes and anything else I could put in to my suitcase. Put the rest of my possessions into storage. I know now that would have been a huge mistake.
I need to follow my heart and my heart was not screaming his name anymore. Its funny how you think life will work out. I thought we would be together forever. I thought we could make each other happy forever. I honestly don't think he is happy with himself and that is very difficult to try and make someone else happy in a relationship.
I started a new job at a local factory. I made new friends. I connected in a way with one of these new friends that I thought was not possible. I felt like I found someone who gets me. And after 5 1/2 years I don't think he got me at all. But I suppose its hard to. The longest we were ever together for was 6 months. Mostly it was 5 weeks at a time and the last time in February it was only 2 weeks. It was slowly killing me being away from him. It was killing the me inside that I had tried my whole life to find.
I thought that maybe I would regret the decisions I have made. But the scary thing is I haven't looked back once. I know that I am growing up and becoming more mature everyday. I have found the person I am and I really like her. Of course no one is perfect but I have decided I won't pretend to be someone who I'm not. Not everyone can like you anyways. So if you like me you like me if not that's okay too.
The moment I knew it was over for sure was when my very good friend picked me up for coffee. I hadn't seen him since before leaving for Toronto. I was walking the Toronto streets and I saw a couple kissing. And I thought my myself that could be us! Obviously not a normal thought of someone being in a "loving relationship". He sent me text everyday I was gone and told me he missed me and wanted to take me out for coffee as soon as I got home on Tuesday night.
I wrote my Funeral Director's licensing exam the two days I was away and got back on the train bound for Brockville on Tuesday night. I was so excited to see him it really surprised me I was only gone a couple of days and I couldn't stop thinking about him. He picked me up and we went for coffee. It was 9:30pm when he picked me up and he didn't drop me off til 5:30am. It was one of the most magical and special nights of my life.
I knew what I had to do. I had to break a man's heart that I had loved for so long. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I knew he would be hurting so bad and there would be nothing I could do about it. But I knew it had to be done. At around 8:00am I got his phone call like I did for 5 1/2 years. I told him it was over immediately. He was hurt he cried. He was angry. He blamed me for taking away his happiness. But I could not and would not lie to him.
He asked me if there was someone else and I told him no at first because I knew it would hurt him more. I did tell him before the conversation was over. Although I don't know if he actually knew why we broke up. It was over before I had found someone else. I can't pin-point the exact moment. Maybe there wasn't a moment at all. It was a series of moments strung together. I felt bad because it was right before the holidays. But I don't know a good time to break up with someone. I don't think there is a right time.
I have dreams and goals that I want to follow here in Canada. I knew that but didn't want to admit it to him. I have my whole life ahead of me I am only 23 years old. I couldn't sacrifice my happiness of his any longer.
Friday, October 30, 2009
How is your kitty feeling today?
A couple of months ago I decided to go on anti-depressants. I tried my best to weigh the pro's and con's. I've always heard horror stories about them and how terrible it can be to wean yourself off of them. But I knew if I didn't do something that would be the end of the road for me.
I thought about dying constantly at least once a day...everyday. I thought about rolling my car when I was on the highway. I thought about drinking cleaning fluid. I thought about hanging myself from anything that resembled a noose.
It finally clicked "Hey Megan, those aren't normal thoughts to be having!" So I went to my family doctor. I told him how I felt and how often I thought about ending my life. He started me on medication I started out on the lowest dose you could get which I think was like 70mgs. I was looking forward to feeling better. And in a few weeks I did feel a lot better. I was a completely different person. I was loving life again.
But I know I could have chosen another path. A path that I have seen people take before. If you've never dealt with depression then you don't know how terrible you can feel about yourself and everything else in your life. Truthfully, all you want to do is feel better and you think suicide is the answer.
I've talked to several people about going on anti-depressants. My advice is weight he options it can really help you to get through the after math of a very traumatic event. Maybe you don't know why you are feeling the way you are. You feel guilty because you think "Hey my life isn't that bad. I have a lot to be thankful for. So why do I feel so empty inside?" I don't recommend going on medication and not figuring out why you are feeling the way you are. Try to change things in your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself! Get out there and live your life because no one else is going to do it for you sweet heart. You have to take care of yourself. Because if you don't believe that people won't miss you when you're gone. They will. Trust me.
I thought about dying constantly at least once a day...everyday. I thought about rolling my car when I was on the highway. I thought about drinking cleaning fluid. I thought about hanging myself from anything that resembled a noose.
It finally clicked "Hey Megan, those aren't normal thoughts to be having!" So I went to my family doctor. I told him how I felt and how often I thought about ending my life. He started me on medication I started out on the lowest dose you could get which I think was like 70mgs. I was looking forward to feeling better. And in a few weeks I did feel a lot better. I was a completely different person. I was loving life again.
But I know I could have chosen another path. A path that I have seen people take before. If you've never dealt with depression then you don't know how terrible you can feel about yourself and everything else in your life. Truthfully, all you want to do is feel better and you think suicide is the answer.
I've talked to several people about going on anti-depressants. My advice is weight he options it can really help you to get through the after math of a very traumatic event. Maybe you don't know why you are feeling the way you are. You feel guilty because you think "Hey my life isn't that bad. I have a lot to be thankful for. So why do I feel so empty inside?" I don't recommend going on medication and not figuring out why you are feeling the way you are. Try to change things in your life, stop feeling sorry for yourself! Get out there and live your life because no one else is going to do it for you sweet heart. You have to take care of yourself. Because if you don't believe that people won't miss you when you're gone. They will. Trust me.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Pee stories
So I was working last night at my lovely new factory job when I realized I had to use the washroom. Clearly nothing alarming there. But it triggered my memory to a dream I had had the night before. I was sitting on a lazy-boy in our living room and I just couldn't stop peeing. But this isn't taking place at night its during the day. So I'm pissing everywhere in front of all the people in the house. I was just relieved that when I woke up I was sitting in a puddle.
Which makes me move on to my next story. As you get older your body starts to stop working and some people's bodies work better than others. Well apparently my Nanny has a problem in which she should be wearing depends but only wheres a panty-liner. Well I guess she likes to how shall I put this "Be free" at night and go commando. Now that she lives at my mothers this causes a problem because my Moms friend went to the bathroom and got a wet foot. That's right urine on her pant leg! And while I thought it wasn't that funny when my Mom told me about it weeks ago. I find it hilarious now. Unfortunate but hilarious!
So in closing I would like to ask. What do old people smell like? Answer: Depends.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Robbing of innocence
For many of you it is no secret that as a child I was molested by a family friend. It is something I have struggled with for a long time. I never knew why I felt so different from other people. I just wanted to fit in with everyone else and be 'normal'. As much as I tried to bottle it up it backfired on me when I was visiting Scotland with my boyfriend. I was crying hysterically. I had no idea what was wrong with me. But I did know that something was very wrong.
I called Kids Help Phone and found a counselor in the area. I know that in many ways she has saved my life. I continued with counseling until I went to College. After a series of very traumatic events. A car accident, my Dad dying and my Nan dying. I got worse. I never knew how rock bottom felt until then. Every single day I thought about killing myself. I missed my Dad and Nan so much and there was nothing I could do to feel better. Finally I decided it was time to take some action. I went to my family doctor and he prescribed me anti-depressants and I went back to counseling.
Its been months now since I have been completely off the medication. Of course everyone has their good and bad days. But I had to realize that just because I had a bad day didn't mean I had to end it. I am now attending group sessions and it has been one of the best decisions of my life. All of these women are so courageous. But really we all are because we are not victims no we are SURVIVORS! Which might sound a bit cliche but really its the truth.
I am sad to say that in a few short weeks these sessions are going to be over. I will definitely miss all of the ladies that have shared their stories and views. It has been great to find out that you are not alone.
I called Kids Help Phone and found a counselor in the area. I know that in many ways she has saved my life. I continued with counseling until I went to College. After a series of very traumatic events. A car accident, my Dad dying and my Nan dying. I got worse. I never knew how rock bottom felt until then. Every single day I thought about killing myself. I missed my Dad and Nan so much and there was nothing I could do to feel better. Finally I decided it was time to take some action. I went to my family doctor and he prescribed me anti-depressants and I went back to counseling.
Its been months now since I have been completely off the medication. Of course everyone has their good and bad days. But I had to realize that just because I had a bad day didn't mean I had to end it. I am now attending group sessions and it has been one of the best decisions of my life. All of these women are so courageous. But really we all are because we are not victims no we are SURVIVORS! Which might sound a bit cliche but really its the truth.
I am sad to say that in a few short weeks these sessions are going to be over. I will definitely miss all of the ladies that have shared their stories and views. It has been great to find out that you are not alone.
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